Ryan,
Nothing upsets me more than not being properly thanked for something. Do you think it really matters whether you are thanked or is it better just knowing you did a good deed?

Judy Barton, Charleston South Carolina

This months 13 Examples is a reader response column. Since this month’s title for the magazine is “The Naked Issue”, I will “let it all hangout” as my editor said. He asked for it, so here you go. 13 Examples of Things that people do that just pisses me off starting with Judy’s question.

Example 13: When people don’t thank me…I pull out your seat, say thank you. I hold the door; I’ll take a smile. I let you into my lane in traffic, I need a wave, a head nod, I’ll even take an index finger, but I need some sort of thanks. I believe if you do a favor for someone they should recognized that you went out of your way to help them. You don’t do the favor looking for recognition; you do it because you want to. This question isn’t a “or” question because it does feel good to something for another person, but you do deserve proper thanks. The two aren’t interdependent. The verdict: guilty. Although it feels great to do a “good deed” for someone, if they don’t thank you, they get the 10 ½ (that’s my shoe size by the way).

Example 12: When people take the elevator to the 2nd floor…When I see these people press floor number 2, I actually hope the elevator falls with me in it just so I could see them regret being so lazy. That is if both of us are still alive.

Example 11: When someone doesn’t introduce you when you meet new people…Even though these people aren’t opening their mouths, they are still saying something. They are saying one of you are not important enough to introduce. Just hope you’re not the one!

Example 10: When people say they like T.V shows and movies just because everybody else does…My friend’s girlfriend came to stay at our house for the weekend. When she arrived she said, “We have to make sure we see the Sopranos because every Sunday night me and my girlfriends in my sorority watch it.” She didn’t want to watch it because she likes the show or the characters, she wanted to watch it so she could be in the circle when the other guys and girls talk about the Sopranos. Don’t be her. I don’t do this and I will prove it right now…Top Gun isn’t that great. There!

Example 9: When people do the Saturday Night Fever…It’s uncontrollable like an avalanche. The difference between the two is that this natural disaster won’t kill you, only your rep. Also, usually this dance is done in groups, so if you don’t care about your reputation at least be compassionate to your friends in the group who are trying to get laid.

Example 8: When people slow down when they see a cop on the side of the road giving a ticket…Do these people actually think the officer actually cares what speed you are going? He cares about not getting hit more than anything else. Even if he did want to run back in the car to chase you, he would never make it on time. Did you see how stiff and tight those starch soaked pants are? Frankenstein’s dungarees fit better.

Example 7: When guys where any Superman paraphernalia…It’s funny because so many guys have Superman tats and chains with charms on it. What are these guys thinking? They actually think they are original with this garbage. On each of their Superman objects there should be a number to help us distinguish Superman 186 from Superman 49,311. Maybe they should just come out with their own clothing line called Supermen. That’s an idea.

Example 6: When women show their breasts for beads…Women yell at you if you talk about their breasts. They snarl at you if you look at the breasts. They will even file charges on you if you touch their breasts. But if you’re some dipshit with a set of beads in your hand, everything’s okay. These women throw their dignity away for a ninety-nine cent (plus tax) set of plastic they can get a Rag Shop. This idea of covering your body up your whole life and then letting the world see it for beads is insane. It makes me sick to see this, but I can’t look away.

Example 5: When people think they are bad because they have a shaved head…The title alone explains my displeasure for these people, but I would like to share a little story with you. Freshman year two guys in my class got into a fight. One of them was a tall skinny kid named Tim, the other was a muscular tough guy named Ashley. The fight happened in gym class. To the wonder of all that watched, Tim pulled off the upset. The rest of the day Ashley was bombarded by questions of how this could happen. Ashley sought revenge. The next day at school, Ashley came back with a shaved head. He looks rougher and scarier than ever. That fluke win by Tim the day before wouldn’t happen again. Ashley calls Tim out in the locker room. They go at it once more. The result was different. This time Tim destroyed Ashley. As Tim was on top of Ashley beating the pride out of him, coach comes into the locker and the two get separated. Coach says “stop wrestling with Ashley before you get hurt Tim.” Everyone laughed. Looks are deceiving. After that year, Ashley dropped out of high school and became the custodian. Okay he didn’t drop out, but he did transfer.

Example 4: When people rub my head…I recently shaved my head (no, not to look tough), but before that I use to use hair gel. Nothing pissed me off more than me going to a club and before I get there somebody rubs my hair being jokey. Then I walk in the club with what looks like dandruff and hair that looks like Sideshow Bob. If you are one of these people I will tell you what people really think about you. They think you obnoxious. That’s why you are never invited out.

Example 3: When people develop fake accents…A friend of mine, who born and raised in Florida, went to Boston for the summer to stay with family. When he came back, all of a sudden he developed the fakest Boston accent I ever heard. He might as well of had a canolli in his hand when he spoke to me. Accents are developed when you grow up. You can’t go to Boston for two months and starting talking about paaking ya caa in the yaad, if don’t even have Massachusetts plates on the caa.

Example 2: When people smoke when I eat…I smoked for 7 years and even when I did I hated when people did this. I would rather die of a quick heart attack from the cholesterol and fat from the 2-pound burger and chili fries I am eating, then a slow painful death caused from the carcinogens in a cigarette.

Example 1: When people who brag about how drunk they got the night before…When you are underage and experiment with alcohol, you like telling the world about how drunk you get because you think it makes you sound so cool. When you turn 21 and it’s legal for you to drink, those bragging days should end. Those who continue to after 21 are the ones that piss me off. I am well over 21 and when I get drunk the next morning I don’t say, “Man I was so drunk last night, it was great. I was drinking everything. Oh my God I was soooo wasted.” What I say sounds more like, “Shit I can’t move.”

Next Month…13 Examples on how to be a successful bachelor.