Stripped
   April Day

       Taking it all off layer by layer. Standing alone, stripped, in front of the mirror, our flaws and imperfections before our eyes, our guard is down. Our defenses are low. I don’t think anything matches the vulnerability that comes from baring it all. For me, it was too much to bear.
     I started avoiding mirrors and dressing in the dark. Only later did I realize this very subtle and insidious notion: I hated my appearance. Even more startling than the disgust I felt for my own appearance was the reason – incredibly low self-esteem.
     I never had much confidence. Always the tallest and skinniest student in the class, I tried, unsuccessfully, to go unnoticed or blend into the background. Each day after facing ridicule by my classmates, would go home crying to my mother, asking her why God didn’t make me pretty. Instead of coddling me, my mother worked incessantly at toughening me up emotionally. “Ignore them,” she would say, “tune them out. You have to believe in yourself and love the person you are.” She even bought me a sign that read, “I know I’m somebody ’cause God don’t make no junk.” But the damage had been done. After years of putting up with the invective language of my peers, my psyche had been ruined. Day by day I transformed into what I most feared: an insecure and inhibited person who had to dress in the dark and avoid mirrors so I wouldn’t cry at the image staring back at me.
     Looking back over my formidable years, I realized that I isolated myself because I felt so incredibly insecure. My insularity prevented me from participating in many events and activities I otherwise might have taken part in. My timidity slowed my growth and the exploration of my potential. Of course, I can’t change the decisions I’ve made, but I’ve made a recent vow to never again go through life continuing missing out on opportunities and leaving other possibilities left unexplored because I think I’m worth less than someone else.
     I don’t believe people know the incredible damage they can do to a person’s psyche by the comments they make. Especially when they insult the things about us we’re already insecure about. I do believe, however, that I can’t use other people’s measure of me as a way to measure how I should feel about myself. Now more than ever I am fighting sedulously to undo the damage to my self-esteem that I’ve allowed to take place over the years.
     It doesn’t take a lot of work or money to gain self-confidence. I started by doing the “little things” that make me feel special or beautiful – making frequent trips to the hair stylist, having a pedicure and a manicure, buying a sweet fragrance from Victoria’s Secret, and treating myself to a new outfit every now and again. Wearing clothes that fit your individual shape and style make you feel good. And feeling good is what it’s all about.
     The old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is a myth. Words do hurt, so it also helps not to hang around people who will berate and insult you. I’m more selective now about the company I keep and will not hesitate to end a relationship with someone who belittles me or makes me feel bad about myself.
     Taking all of these baby steps helped me to finally see the person I really am, not the person I let others make me believe I was.
     There’s a certain sexiness I notice in confident people – one I admire in them. And my goal is to obtain that same confidence for myself. And I don’t say this to say confident people don’t have flaws. They just possess the ability to love themselves despite them and understand that no one’s perfect.
     Some people, I think, are born into this world feeling completely confident and self-assured, regardless of how others see them. Others have to work harder to preserve that air of confidence. I finally understand that the payoff is worth the work. I love not having to strip in the dark anymore or having to avoid confronting the mirror. I love the face and body that stare back at me. It’s completely confident, loving, strong, and beautiful. So even if I’m not the most beautiful woman on the planet, I know I’m pretty darn close.
     
  Please feel free to contact the writer at april@enliv.com or comment to the magazine at service@enliv.com. Any input is welcome, thanks!