enliv: How to Do ANYTHING.

What else could be better a better article for the Bachelor Issue than a How-To-Build-The Ultimate-Bachelor Pad? The words bachelor and pad are almost inseparable…you can’t say one without saying the other. Just like Mustang and Cobra or Hemi’ and Cuda. Sure you can talk about V-6 Mustangs all day and not mention the Cobra, but then you have nothing but a slow car that looks fast. That same theory applies to bachelors…one can claim that he is a “bachelor” and on the prowl, but without the pad, he’s just like that V-6 Mustang. So, in an effort to help out those single guys, here’s a list of things that no ‘pad’ should be without.

Pool Table – The ladies love this!!! Well, probably not…but you will. A nice regulation-size table should be the focus of every bachelor pad. You cannot find a more useful piece of furniture. First of all, you don’t need to buy any other piece of furniture for that room. Secondly, with minimal preparation, you can use it for a variety of different things such as: a table for pole dancing when you throw keg parties or you can use it as a place to dive under when you hit on your roommate’s girlfriend and he comes looking for you with a baseball. Oh yea, and you can play billiards on it too.

Poker Table – This is where you separate the men form the boys. Actually, this is where you separate your dollars from your wallet. But there is no better night than sitting back and dealing cards, smoking cigars and hanging with your homies. Sometimes you win and take your buddy’s Corvette out for a spin and sometimes you lose and clean the Corvette’s tires with your tongue. But there is probably no better way to impress the ladies than with a friendly game of strip poker. Ask yourself, how else are you going to legitimately get her clothes off?

Patrick Maloney Go ahead, try to stump me. Ask me a how-to-do something question and you'll get your answer. patrick@enliv.com "enliv is paying me so much money..."
		What else could be better a better article for the Bachelor Issue than a How-To-Build-The Ultimate-Bachelor Pad? The words bachelor and pad are almost inseparable…you can’t say one without saying the other. Just like Mustang and Cobra or Hemi’ and Cuda. Sure you can talk about V-6 Mustangs all day and not mention the Cobra, but then you have nothing but a slow car that looks fast. That same theory applies to bachelors…one can claim that he is a “bachelor” and on the prowl, but without the pad, he’s just like that V-6 Mustang. So, in an effort to help out those single guys, here’s a list of things that no ‘pad’ should be without. Pool Table – The ladies love this!!! Well, probably not…but you will. A nice regulation-size table should be the focus of every bachelor pad. You cannot find a more useful piece of furniture. First of all, you don’t need to buy any other piece of furniture for that room. Secondly, with minimal preparation, you can use it for a variety of different things such as: a table for pole dancing when you throw keg parties or you can use it as a place to dive under when you hit on your roommate’s girlfriend and he comes looking for you with a baseball. Oh yea, and you can play billiards on it too. Poker Table – This is where you separate the men form the boys. Actually, this is where you separate your dollars from your wallet. But there is no better night than sitting back and dealing cards, smoking cigars and hanging with your homies. Sometimes you win and take your buddy’s Corvette out for a spin and sometimes you lose and clean the Corvette’s tires with your tongue. But there is probably no better way to impress the ladies than with a friendly game of strip poker. Ask yourself, how else are you going to legitimately get her clothes off?

		Dart Board – Like the pool table, this has multiple functions. Not only is it really cool to practice your darts on, but it also makes a great stress management tool. You can hang pictures of your mother, your ex-, your math teacher or your boss in front of the board and release all of your anger. I’ve also read that playing darts increases your stamina during sex. But then again, that’s because I just wrote it. Stainless Steel – No bachelor pad kitchen is complete without stainless steel. Whether it’s the refrigerator, dishwasher or even hanging utensils, there has to be some sort of steel shown off in the kitchen. See, steel sends subliminal messages to the ladies when they’re in the kitchen; it says in the most prehistoric cavemen voice “Me know how to take rock and make into shiny thing. You want me now!” It never fails. You’ll have to thank your ancestors for that one. Last, but not least, the Hot Tub – The women love it almost more than the men do. To the women, a hot tub is a sign of sophisticated man. One that will cook an extravagant meal, set up candles around the tub and enjoy some nice cuddle time with your date and a bottle of wine. Little do they know, when a guy sees a hot tub, he’s thinking nothing but the exact opposite. He’s waiting for Monday night football to start so that he can drink a 12-pack, watch football AND get a massage without the nagging voice, all at the same time. What could be more perfect??? The only downside to the hot tub is sneaking it past the landlord. Since most apartments don’t like big heavy things filled with water in the third floor apartment, it makes installation a little tougher than the directions indicate. Of course, there are some things that have been left off the list, but only the rich and famous can afford that stuff: the plasma TV, Bose surround and the race car. But this is enough of a list to get you started. Remember, the more stainless steel…the more you’ll swoon the ladies.