13
Examples - The Rules of the Road
Ryan Simcox
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13
Examples - The Rules of the Road |
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Example 13: You must turn on the A/C if you have guests in the car…I remember when my brother got married. Me and four other groomsmen piled into groomsmen number 4’s Explorer. Groomsmen number 4 was anti-AC. He thought the gas to sweat ratio was worth rolling the windows down in 98-degree weather in the middle of summer wearing black tuxes. The ride started of great. We stopped at the liquor store and got a piñata full of liquor shooters. We were laughing and toasting and drinking, until…one bead dropped, then another, then another. Before we knew it, it was an all out Sweat Fest. Boiled blood does something to a man. Within minutes, us lifelong friends, Godfather’s to each other’s children, were yelling about how much we hate one another. The sweat was like truth serum. Topics like slutty girlfriends and cock blocking were just some of the subjects discussed. Here’s my advice, turn on the A/C, unless you want to know what people REALLY think about you. Oh and in case your wondering, we laughed about it at the reception. We just kept saying, “It was just so hot in that car”. It was as if Satan was in the car moderating the arguments. |
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Example 12: Drop the ugly cars AKA watch the three-point turns…In last month’s column, I shared a story about how I broke up with a girl for a bad u-turn. What I didn’t tell you was that my friend broke up with the same girl for a bad three point turn. I swear on my life everything I write is true. I dated this girl; we’ll call her Dolores. A kid named Dan dated her a month before me. Dan and I knew each other, but we were not friends. When I started dating her, she told me she dated him. Later I broke up with her because of that fateful u-turn. That was the end of it. Then about three months went by and Dan and I became friends. We talked about how we dated the same girl. I told him I broke up with her because of the bad u-turn. In shock, he said to me “No way, I broke up with her for a bad three point turn.” The story I tell you is true, the names are not. Dan told me that as she was leaving his house one night she was forced to make a three point turn. He said all his friends from the neighborhood were outside. If you forgot the details from last month’s column I described how she had a gross looking granny car that squeaked. Dan told me that each time she cut the wheel; the shriek from the car was like a dog whistler to Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf. It was engrossing, it was piercing, it was disgusting. Not to mention the fact it was a five-point turn. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back and Dolores’s heart. How could this girl have two guys, in the same year mind you, break up with her because of her bad driving? I don’t know. But if you’re out there Dolores, you know who you are, please… go to Car Max. Zero down, 199 a month with no haggle can put you into a new Passat today. Do it for reliability, do it for you, but mainly…do it for love. Example 11: Don’t smoke with the A/C on…That shit is gross. I was a smoker, 3 month’s clean, and not once did I ever smoke with the windows up and the A/C blasting. That smell will attach itself to you and your clothes like the name Dumbo to a person with big ears. It never leaves. When I worked at Winn Dixie as the Dairy kid (I know what you’re thinking, I was 16 assholes) this lady came to my section for some milk. When she went to grab the gallon of Vitamin D, I smelled the stench of cig so strongly that it made me gag. Moral of this little anecdote: Cigarettes are for smoking, not smelling. Oh and cigarettes are also for drunk nights. And after sex. And after meals. And when you’re bored. You know what…smoke with the A/C on, live it up. It’s going to kill you soon, so you might as well die happy. Example 10: Shotgun Rules…Let me clear it up. You call shotgun only when you see the car outside an establishment. You cannot call it when you are looking out of the gas station window. Also, you cannot call shotgun when you get out of the car when you are arriving somewhere. You must call it when you are exiting. Now, you cannot lose shotgun if the car is off and you haven’t left your seat. In order for you to lose it, you and the person trying to weasel shotgun out of your hands, must be both out of the car. And of course, walking back to it. Shotgun also is responsible the navigation of the vehicle, the play selection in the disc and for talking to women. The only way someone can lose shotgun in mid-ride is stated in article 18 section 61 of the shotgun bi-laws, which states “a man can be ousted from the front seat if he does not demonstrate one of the following actions: 1) has no idea where you are going 2) does not have any music as a backup when the disc skips 3) yell at a passing car full of drunk females. Either or will be grounds for dismissal. |
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Example 9: Turn Signal…You know this always happens to you. There is no one on the road and you are at a stop sign waiting to get on the main road. There is a car in the right lane and is barreling down the street. You wait for this car to pass, so you can go. Then the car abruptly stops and makes a turn right where you are. This pisses me off all the time. You are sitting there like a jackass, waiting for this person to pass you, but then they fake you out and make the turn. If you are one of those fakers, just put on the signal. It’s not hard. You take your hand click the stick and you’re done. It’s that simple. Example 8: Go at least the speed limit…It’s so frustrating driving behind someone who is driving as fast as you can pedal your ten speed. You cannot get a ticket for going the speed limit. You can however get a ticket for going below the speed limit. And a half drank McDonald’s paper cup thrown at your windshield when I pass that ass. Example 7: Rubberneck…Don’t do it. Think about it with me for a second. Why do we look at two cars as they discuss the extent of their accident? Why do we care? In less than 60 seconds, you will not even remember what either car looked like. Imagine the world without rubbernecks. Traffic would flow; there would be no holdups, thus creating no road rage by people, which results in less people getting drug out of their car window. If you look at the big picture, rubbernecking is the number one cause of peoplegettingtheirasskickedinthemiddleoftheroaditis. To stop this, you can help…don’t look, just keep driving. Example 6: Exam your car before you drive…When I was about 17, I would sometimes drive my mom’s Corolla because I had an 81’ shitbox. One day my mom received a bumper sticker in the mail from her sister. She put it on her car. I asked my mom if I could borrow her car to go to a party. She said yes and I left. Usually our high school parties were at abandoned lots. For example the rock pit, the lot and the lake. These were places we brought kegs and sat on our cars. While sitting on my car, my friend brought the bumper sticker to my attention. He didn’t tell me in the convention way, it was more like laughter and me asking what are you laughing at. He pointed, I looked and there it was…a pink sticker that reads, verbatim, “I want to be like Barbie, that bitch has everything.” It was clear to me at that moment that God wanted me to suffer…and suffer I did. Example 5: No stop sign, GO!!!…This happens at the mall many times. You’ll be at the stop sign and the people turning into the mall entrance will stop and wait for you when they have no stop sign. I appreciate you being scared to make a decision, but go. Without rules there is chaos. Stop sign, stop. No stop sign, go. This isn’t the nuclear physics. Or the Rubik’s Cube. Example 4: Watch out for bikers…As appetizing as bumping a man with biker shorts and a rocketeer helmet sounds, it’s best we look out for these pompous pricks. Example 3: Sexposure…If you are getting some sort of sexual act performed on you, it is mandatory to get the attention of the car next to you. Why you may ask? Because getting caught is half the fun. Tommy Lee is the one that let the Pamela Anderson sex tape out. I know it. I think he leaked it to show the world that he was banging the hottest women in the world. This is the same situation. You are in the car going 90 mph down I-95 and you have this girl doing her dirtiest. This is so great you want somebody to see you having this much enjoyment. It’s like they are you witnesses. You tell your friends, “yeah she was bobbing and weaving, I’m not lying. Just ask the blue Tahoe or the RX-8, they’ll vouch for me.” Example 2: Rims…Do not put rims on you 92’ hatchback. Guess what? People do look at the car the rims are on. You wouldn’t think people would mind sitting in your rusty as ford fiesta with your house speakers in the backseat, but surprisingly they do. Example 1: Don’t drink and drive… Next month is the one-year anniversary of Enliv and of course, 13 Examples.
Next month will be the first ever special edition double column. So look
out for it. |
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