You love him, you love him not.
Running into an ex-boyfriend can be awkward, tense, or, in some cases, just
plain horrifying. It’s almost inevitable that the dreaded run-in occurs
during a bad hair day, a bloated day, or the classic I-have-something-stuck-in-my-teeth-and-no
one-bothered-to-tell-me day. The odds of a successful meeting if the break-up
was harsh and bitter? Slim to none. But if you play your cards right, you
can end the relationship on good terms, and won’t need to worry about
turning the corner and bumping into Mr. Not-So-Perfect.
If you know it’s time to move on from your insignificant other, keep
in mind that it doesn’t have to leave a sour taste in your mouth.
Gone are the days of tearing him out of favorite photos and making a personal
dartboard for your office downtime. Contrary to popular belief, there are
ways to cut him loose without slicing his ego (and any chance of remaining
civil to each other).
After sorting through numerous piles of articles and talking to many “break-uppers”
and those recently dumped, I compiled the most important information into
four simple steps. After reading the Four Steps to Relationship Freedom,
you should be able to say goodbye to your sweetheart without being too harsh.
Who knows, you may even become friends someday.
Four Steps to Relationship Freedom:
1. Honesty is Still the Best Policy
Here is that golden rule again, rearing its ugly (but disgustingly true)
head--Do unto others, as you would have them do unto. Think back to what
you like/didn’t like about the ways you’ve been dumped. Chances
are if he lied to you at some point, trust issues were a major problem.
Orlando Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Patrick Dalsemer, specializes
in relationship counseling. “A common reason for ending a relationship
is that people’s expectations of their partner are not met in one
important way or another,” says Dalsemer. “We each bring our
hopes and dreams and personal ‘baggage’ to each new relationship
we enter.” He says that you need to be upfront with someone and
let them know (in a respectful way) what your expectations were, so that
you don’t end up causing the other person unnecessary baggage.
Several months ago, Megan* broke up with her boyfriend of two years when
she realized the chemistry had fizzled. Wayne* appeared to be a spontaneous,
carefree kind of guy and instead she found dating him rather boring. Their
dates and conversations grew very routine, and she noticed didn’t
look forward to seeing him. She ended it without causing damage to either
of their self-images, and they still remain friends to this day. “You
need to tell him straight up that this relationship isn’t what you
were looking for, but that you cherish him as a person and want to continue
to be friends.” Megan says.
*Source asked for name to remain anonymous, so we will refer to her
as Mega and her ex as Wayne.
2. Don’t Play the Blame Game
“The most common mistake is to blame the other person, and to condemn
him or her for the break-up,” says Dalsemer. “There usually
is no reason to damage or belittle another human being, except that we
ourselves feel inadequate or wounded in some way,” he added.
- Try using the words “I feel….” instead of saying
“you are…”
- Remind him of his good qualities
- Talk about it as a mutual decision, something that’s best for
the both of you
- Be respectful and reassure him that there was something good with
you two
Megan says “You can only start building the post-relationship friendship
when you take responsibility for the break-up.” She told Wayne how
she respected his life goals but that she couldn’t see herself in
his future plans.
3. The Right Setting
“Knowing where and when to break the news are critical in the process,”
Megan says. “I suggest doing it when he’s had a plain, ordinary
day—not when he’s upset about something or extremely happy
about something.”
Obviously, don’t dump someone online. That’s just wrong. Same
goes for the phone. At least give him the courtesy of hearing the words
from you face-to-face. Besides, if you feel that guilty or distressed
about bringing up the topic, maybe you should re-think the reasons for
the break-up.
Dalsemer admits there is never a good time to deliver bad news, but suggests
going to a place where each party can feel safe. “Depending on individuals,
this could be a public or more private setting.” He also says to
make sure the break-up doesn’t appear rehearsed, because then it
looks like you were keeping feelings secret.
Megan comments: “Do go somewhere private, but not anywhere that
you have tons of memories like your home or school. Try a neutral location,
it makes a difference.”
She brought up the subject to Wayne in his car, on their way home from
a casual lunch date. By the time he dropped her off, they had talked for
several minutes, and she had answered all his questions tactfully and
honestly. Megan could smile sadly and say goodbye she was free from the
relationship, but had not permanently damaged the friendship.
4. Stand Your Ground
It’s funny how he can squeeze in so many compliments when you’re
trying to break-up with him. Don’t fall for his last minute attempts
at flattery—be firm in your decision.
“Men tend to linger after an unwanted break-up, thinking there will
be another chance,” Megan says. She knew that from previous relationships,
which is why she made sure her words to Wayne were obvious and unyielding.
“If you don’t end it firmly the first time, you could end
up in a back-and-forth boomerang relationship, wasting time.”
Spell out the terms clearly. (“We should wait a few weeks to call
each other.”) This way, he won’t be subject to false hopes
of rekindling the fire.
“We cannot control the behavior of anyone but ourselves, so even
the best intentioned words may fall on deaf ears,” Dalsemer says.
“The best advice I can give to act with caring and respect and hope
the other person mirrors that behavior.”
So, next time you decide to terminate a relationship, follow the steps
to freedom and you won’t have to worry about a hostile encounter
with your ex. But you never know where or when you’ll stumble upon
him, so keep floss handy just in case.
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