13 Examples - Ultimate Wingman
   Ryan Simcox

Example 13: Don’t be the third wheel, when your friend is trying to hook up…This has happen to me numerous times. I’ll bring a wingman to a party. Later in the night I’ll go outside to talk to my special lady friend alone. All of a sudden my wingman comes and sits down with us. This is a wingman no-no. I am trying to whisper sweet nothing’s into this girl’s ear and he’s coming out to tell me how he’s not having fun because he doesn’t know anyone. Tough. A wingman knows his role and it’s this. He either hook-ups with the ugly friend or he is there for support. The wingman puts himself last and the cause first. The cause…helping the King get laid.

Example 12: Pay attention to whatever the wild card has to say…Usually 95% of what girls talk about we don’t pay attention to. As a wingman, you must put up with her ridiculous conversation and viewpoints. Agree with everything she says, even if you disagree with it. You don’t want to disagree with some bullshit she believes, then offend her and have her tell the Queen she wants to leave. Bite your tongue and nod your head: “Abortion, sure. Euthanasia, why not? Vasectomy, sign me up.”

Example 11: Can’t leave early (The Medieval Example)…A wingman cannot leave the club, bar or party, until he has confirmation from the “King” on what the plan of attack is. Wingmen don’t say things like, “I’m tired or I have to wake up early.” The King will let you know what the plans for the rest of the night are. As the wingman, you must agree to all of his requests. King says, “We are going back to her place. You have to keep her roommate distracted while I slither my way into her room.” Jack the Wingman says, “ok”. Any resistance by Jack the Wingman can result in King not getting laid. With that being said, if the Wingeth stopeth the panty dropeth, he shall be known as a cockblocketh.

Example 10: Don’t give the Wild Card too much information about yourself…For one she may have heard of you and be turned off from the git’ go. Then she tells the Queen don’t leave me with this dirt dog. Another reason is what if she likes you. Then she’ll spread the word about how Jack Wingman and her had a magical night. The last thing you want is potential hookups knowing what hogs you hooked up with. Just give the Wild Cards your first name. If they insist on a last name, just say you are like Cher or Madonna and only have one name.

Example 9: Don’t be in a bad mood because you are the Wingman and not the King…Look, people have different tastes. I like pizza, you like sushi. You are not always going to be the center of attention. Maybe next time you go out, your friend will be the Wingman and you will be the King. Just make sure you are in a good mood the whole night because nothing’s worse when the Queen says to the King, “your friend doesn’t look like he’s having much fun.” If a wingman refuses to play second fiddle to you, he is a selfish bastard and shall never receive a phone call next time you go out to chase ass.

Example 8: Promote your friend…If you are speaking to the wild card and she is asks about the King, you have to promote him like Don King does his fighters. You have to make him out to be this magical man that women love and men envy daily. She has to believe that she is lucky to have found him. I mean you have to be over the top and make him sound like two parts Brad Pitt mixed with one and a half parts Johnny Depp with one part of Ron Jeremy. She will surely tell the Queen all about it.

Example 7: Take the Wild Card home…Doppler says the chances the Wild Card and Queen came together is 98%. However, the forecast for them going home together is 50%. In order for that to work you have to make the switcharoo. You take the Wild Card home and your buddy takes the Queen. As the wingman, you need to sweep through the Wild Card like a cool front. Because that’s all you really are doing to her, fronting. Separate the Queen and Wild Card and I guarantee the next morning you’ll turn on the weather channel and see the meteorologist say “clear skies today, even clearer tomorrow and yes, your boy got laid”.

Example 6: Don’t make it seem like you are the wingman…You must make her think that you two are the center of the conversation. Clear your mind like a Buddhist and believe that the reason you are talking to her is because you are interested in her. Women don’t like to think they are second best, especially to their friends. If she thinks you are only talking to her because you are a wingman, you and your boy can run into a serious cock block. So trick yourself into thinking that you are interested in her. If you believe it, she’ll believe it. And remember, it’s not a lie if you think it’s the truth.

Ryan Simcox

Need a second opinion, write me an email, I could help.
ryan@enliv.com

Example 4: Don’t let the Wild Card leave your sight…She can only leave to go to the bathroom. You cannot. If you have to drop a black deuce, you hold it. If she wants to dance, dance with her. If she wants to get a drink, buy it for her. If she wants to leave, you have a problem. She will probably run to her friend and tell her she wants to go home and spoil the whole night for the King. If she gets up and tries to leave, you have to stop her. You can do two things: wrestle her to the ground like an alligator, until she says she’s staying or hit her with an elephant tranquilizer and sit her back in her seat. Slide your chair over and put her head on your shoulder. This will give the appearance as though you two have bonded and the Queen will stop worrying if her elephant friend is having a good time.

Example 3: Don’t get too drunk…I said this in last months Ultimate Bachelor and I’ll say it again because if you get wasted and forget your main objective (tame the beast), your buddy will be trampled. There’s a fine line between being the “drunk funny guy” and the “is he going to be ok guy”. You have to be on top of your game. I know you’ll want to keep drinking in hopes that the beast “doesn’t look that bad”. She does and always will. Pace yourself and your drinks.

Example 2: Don’t say you have a girlfriend if you do…You want the Wild Card thinking there’s a chance for you two. If she makes a move on you, say “save that for later.” After the King seals the deal with the Queen about going back to her place, then you can tell her you two should do it another night because you feel sick. Exchange numbers, take hers (trash it 5 seconds later) and then give her yours 867-5309 (it’s a song for all you slow people). By the time she realizes you gave her a phony number, your buddy is already under the Queen’s down comforter.

Example 1: No matter what the Queen’s friend looks like, you must take one for the team…Don’t even dare say, “she’s ugly, oh she’s fat, she’s got no teeth”. That’s unacceptable. If she looks like Gollum from Lord of the Rings, you are still hooking up with her. We’ve all done it. I have been the King many of times, but I have also been Jack the Wingman. Many have suffered for me, as I did for them. I remember a time where I hooked up with a beast. She stood well over 6 feet and nearly doubled me in weight. My friend wanted to hookup with her friend. While he left with the Queen, I distracted the mammoth with the libations of Natty Ice. My friend escaped with his Queen as I wrestled with the monster. The only time I let her out of my sight was when she went into the bathroom to puke. I knew then that she would grab her friend and leave the party, thus preventing my friend from getting laid. I had to think fast. When she came back to the couch to get her purse, kissed her faster and harder than I ever have anyone in my life. My beer tasting tongue and her stomach acids fresh in her mouth were a deadly combination. I brought her down to the couch and laid her head on my leg, where I preceded to pet the animal to sleep. Like a rhino hit with a tranquilizer, the threat of danger was asleep and my friend could proceed with his Queen. Now don’t you dare say she is too fat or ugly to hook up with. I made out with a tall, fat, ugly ogre with puke fresh in her mouth, just for a friend. Would I do it again? You’re damn right.

Do all this and you will be the Ultimate Wingman. The life of a wingman is trying one. You will be put to the test, but you will pass. You will encounter creatures that normally would make you cringe, but you will stand tall with courage and hook up with them. You must know your role and stick by your friend. Do that and all the examples above and you will get your wings.