the funnies

Mathermatical Proof that Proves Girls are EVIL

Subject: Weird
I wanted to pass on a profound thought from one of my frat bro's. And I quote...

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is white, the best golfer is black, the Swiss hold the Americas Cup, the tallest player in the NBA is Chinese, lemonade is made from artificial flavors while furniture polish is made from real lemons, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war."

How to Get a Gorilla Out of a Tree
A lady wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in her tree. She looks in the phone book and finds a gorilla removal service. She calls them up and she asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy says “Yes, Is it a male or female?'' "Male" She replies. "Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right there." he states. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the woman some instructions. "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will go to bite the gorilla’s testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you to handcuff him." The woman asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua."

Lovers Lane
A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known lover's lane. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He gets closer to the car and sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the
car and knocks at the window. The young man lowers his window... "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine..."
Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says, "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs, "I believe she's kitting a pullover."
The cop is totally confused. A young couple
alone in a car at night... and nothing risqué is
happening! "What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 25, sir."
"And her, what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and says, "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes."

  

Lost his Job - You decide, did the boss over-react when this happened?

Your Organization Chart - Question is, where are you on the chart?

How Rumours Srat in the Office

Got a joke of your own? Email us at service@enliv.com and see it posted!

  Subject: JOURNAL OF HEALTH
Nouveau New England Journal of Health

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it .... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Hello..... Cocoa beans... Another vegetable!!! "It's the best feel good food around!"

Well I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... after all flour is a veggie!

One more thing: ... "When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt."