Don’t you wish that you could find out all the negative things people say about you behind your hairy back? Face it, you live in America, and in America we talk trash about everyone. What did you just say to me! We’ve all seen it: you and a few other fellow employees are all laughing at your middle aged boss’s dumb jokes, when someone (Bob) leaves the room, and now the bashing starts. The worst thing Bob Dinklewits did was leave the room first. But hey, at least you can count on your friends to keep your integrity. Well, I wouldn’t start making friendship bracelets so fast. There is one thing that sees no friends and pays no mercy. This “thing” is responsible for terminating nearly 4,500 friendships and relationships nation wide. If you guessed slutty spouses, you’re wrong (no one knows those numbers). This destructive element is like termites to sexual attractions. This element is clinically named “Bad Breath”. If your tonsils smell like 7 day old lunch meat, it is guaranteed that your pals won’t vouch for you. It’s just not accepted in society. Sorry.

Like obesity, bad breath is full blown in our society. Why do you think dentists have the number one suicide rates (its true!)? We have all had it; however, some of us have it. Since we can’t put a cow bell on all the people with feet-mouth disease, we have to deal with them. So, we teamed up with dental hygienist from Fort Lauderdale, Fl, Kristi Gray, to show you how to keep your eight gazillion taste buds fresh. Also we gathered a couple pointers from T.C., a boat handler at a local boat ramp in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. You may be wondering, “who the hell is T.C.?” Well, I don’t know too much about him, except that he is a line handler and deals hundreds of people who tell big fish stories that sometimes smell fishy. He will show us how to defend from the hot-breathed villains.

Chris: What is bad breath?
Kristi: The clinical name is Halitosis.

Chris: What is the best way to keep your mouth odorless?
Kristi: First off, you have to get your teeth cleaned periodically. I recommend every six months.

Chris: We all know that but who actually goes every six months?
Kristi: Hey, I don’t make the rules. Would you like a piece of gum?

Chris: What’s that mean? I just got my teeth cleaned. Anyway, what are some quick ways of preventing bad breath or Halitosis?
Kristi: Ok, besides brushing your teeth, you have to clean other areas of your mouth.
• Tongue: Try to brush your entire tongue. This is where most of the odor is concentrated.
• Soft tissue: Basically brush everything in your mouth. The roof of your mouth, the insides of your cheeks, and gums (softly).
• Mouthwash: After brushing your teeth and softly brushing the tissue in your mouth, finish off the evolution with mouthwash. This will ensure freshness.

Chris: Gargle….gargle….
Kristi: And one more thing, if your bad breath persists, see your doctor. Stomach problems can sometimes cause Halitosis.

Alright, now we know how to keep our pie holes fresh, but what about all the other non-enlightened garbage mouths? Since its mathematically impossible to force everyone to gargle with extra strength Listerine and scrap their tongues, we have to protect our hairy nostrils. T.C. is going to show us how. Sometimes holding your breath won’t cut it, your eyes may still water or in extreme cases, you can taste the foul shoe-soul like odor. So what do you do? T.C., who works with hundreds of salmon breathed skippers, has a couple solutions for the smelly problem.

Limit the conversation: “Get to the point fast and answer with short responses like yes or no. The fewer syllables he or she spits out, the less nostril hairs get singed.”

Morning Breath: “Most of my costumers leave these docks between four and five a.m. That means they all have morning breath. So, I make it a point to ask them questions first, this way I control the conversation”.

Abort: If all else fails, abort! Get at least six feet away. T.C. says “this is the safe zone, once they get in their boats (six feet from the dock), I loose the scent”. Another tactic is to point your nose toward the deck; this way at least you will only smell your upper-lip”.