April Day
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Think
He Loves You? April Day |
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| “How do you predict the future?” That’s what 22-year-old – we’ll call her “Jane” – asked me after attending a couples therapy session at the University of Central Florida’s Counseling Center with her boyfriend “John.” “How can you know in advance what type of person you’ll be in the future?” Her question comes after her boyfriend’s mother denied her the opportunity to meet her. John and Jane have known each other a little over two years and have dated for a year and two months. The rift in their relationship began last May when Jane asked John when would be a good time to meet his mother. “During that initial conversation, he was like, ‘well, my mother wants me to focus on school and later, when I do better, she’ll meet you,’” Jane explained. “According to him, his mom felt she had plenty of time to meet me and didn’t know what the rush was all about. He agreed saying that there would be plenty of time for that.” Plenty of time later, well at least about eight months, Jane has still not had the privilege of meeting John’s mother and the future hasn’t looked any brighter. Though that doesn’t mean John didn’t try his hardest. “What she [Jane] fails to realize is every time I went home I would talk to my mother about meeting Jane,” John said. “She would say, ‘you just got back in school and you brought this back up again. Why you want to rush things? You’re 23, finish up school, get your work done, and get on with things. You need to settle down and leave the girls alone.’ What more can I do?” John posed that same question in his and Jane’s therapy session, where Jane had admitted to threatening John with an ultimatum claiming that if she didn’t meet his mother by the end of January, she would break up with him. “I never had to deal with someone who wanted to break up with me because she wanted to meet my parents,” John said. “I guess we just have different value systems.” Both said the doctor suggested that John would rather break up with Jane than ruffle his mother’s feathers. Though he denies the doctor’s suggestion, John said he knows his place and how to please both parties. “To respect my mom, I know better than to just pick my girlfriend up and take her to see my mother and be forceful. And my girlfriend, I communicate with her. I know what she wants and why she wants it. And since I can’t deliver what she wants now, I try to make up for it by what I do in other areas of the relationship.” But is that enough? Jane adamantly claims that the problem is greater than just meeting his parents, it’s about whether or not John has the guts to defend her to his mother. “The point is will John ever let go of her apron strings and defend me to his mom – even at the expense of upsetting her,” Jane said. “Will he ever decide to choose me over his mother?” John suggests Jane take a closer look at their relationship instead of making hasty judgments. “To answer that question, look at the other areas of our relationship? What about the days when you aren’t feeling right and I rush you at three in the morning to the emergency room? Or those days when I’m in Ocala and you have to be picked up from the airport, which means that the things I have to do for my mother have to be rushed or put aside until the next time I’m in town. What about the days when you aren’t feeling right and I encourage you and pick you up? They’re other things to consider than this one thing.” After a lengthy silent debate, Jane turns to study John for a moment. “In a lot of ways, John is the perfect boyfriend, the perfect person for me. But not everyone was brought up with the same idea of what a relationship is. I guess I have to decide what things I can live with and what things I can live without. |
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