Pay Attention to Details
   Chris Bolender

Under the Influence

No matter where we go in this insane crazy world, where people sometimes beat then eat their young, we are always influenced by something. This explains why you did stupid things in high school just to gain ‘social stock’…”Man! I miss those days!” Sometimes we may even be influenced by crack-rock that makes us pillage small towns and steal toilet seats from the local gas station. But let’s stop smoking rocks for a second here and look at the main source of influence, the media. Let me get one more hit! Ok, I’m ready now. If you do not believe you are influenced by TV, film, radio, or even newspapers, odds are that you are a ‘certified dumb ass’ or, on crack, but that’s ok because I’m going to take you under my wing here…hang on lil-bugger.

To start, you should know that Hitler was voted by his own people. Ya, it’s true! He log-rolled a filmmaker into making “Triumph of the Willing”, a highly successful propaganda film. This is the film everyone has seen clips of Hiltler saying “shleezen meeezien heizmen!”, and then they all do that Nazi hand thing-a-ma-bobber. My point is that this film’s propaganda was powerful enough to elect a man that makes Saddam Hussien look like Bob Hope (well… before he died). By watching only a short clip of Hitler, that stupid mustache of his will be branded in your head for eternity. Coincidence? Did Saddam have weapons of mass destruction (say no)? I’ll point out three groups that influence our society by implanting things in all our heads like Hitler’s mustache.

The Diet Assassin squad: Headed by Dr. Phil, Oprah’s bald Friend who leased Tom Selleck’s mustache, their mission is to give false hope to all the extremely obese and lazy people who buy into anything except exercising. Dr. Phil’s agents are known to name their uless diets after a place or person. For example, the South Beach diet, which allows you indulge in your ‘Big Mac attacks’ endlessly as long as you never look in the mirror. Beware also of his business partner Dr. Atkins, who started the Atkins Cult Beef Resurrection team. Even though Atkins died on the toilet while eating a T-bone steak, he does have a predecessor to take over his social-bowel-movement. This villain is Subway’s Jared (an Atkins agent), the former stunt double for Java-the-hut or Pizza-the-hut (Space Balls), is bringing Atkins to subway. “Let me get a ham and cheese, you know what, just hand me a piece of cheese, that’s what Jared would do”.

The Janet’s nipple Renegades: Before 1 billion people were enchanted by the beautiful Janet Jackson Teet, we were all cracking recycled Michael Jackson jokes. It’s amazing how one beautiful booby on a TV screen for .6753 seconds can change the direction of attention across the entire galaxy. And remember this, while all the fat assed people on the ‘What would Jarred Do”, Diets cry over how their kids may have actually seen the goddess’s nipple, our troops are facing Ak-47’s, and Bush is still our president.

Advertising: “If you’ve got ‘em by the balls, their hearts and
minds will follow.’ (Charles Colson, aide to President Nixon). Guys, Guys, Guys! Have you not caught on to every single add that is geared towards men? Advertisers don’t make 8 gazillion dollars a year without a little Psychological warfare. And guess what? They got you by the balls. So next time you buy a Pepsi, remember, Britney Spears’ amazing cleavage has more effect on your easily manipulated brain than you think.

My advise to you: Next time you are buying everything that you hear and see, keep the receipts because it may well be a faulty product that is only influencing you. Oh yeah, don’t touch that dial, next I will show you how crack is a conspiracy…details at 11:00.

Chris Bolender

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